If I Don't Wake Up Tomorrow

If for some bizarre reason I didn’t wake up tomorrow morning, I have lived a pretty full and amazing existence so far and have many moments to be thankful for. I also have a few things I would have changed if I could. So here follows two lists: One is the top experiences I can remember today and the other, the pits of my life so far. Let’s start with the bad stuff and then end on the highs.

1. Finding Michael my partner, of 15 years dead in our garage after he’d hung himself.
2. Being kicked in the face by Jack, an abusive partner. My worst husband by far. I hate him along with the bitch that stole my money (see number 6)
3. Living with Jack and putting up with his shit for far too long.
4. Adrian. He was a total loser and when I left Tasmania I stupidly left him in my house to mind it. He would use my phone to call me and hassle me. He would threaten to kill himself. Not a good thing to do to someone who’d lost someone through suicide.
5. Sailing off the east coast of Tasmania in a 26-foot yacht and being seasick in 40 foot waves and wishing I was dead. After that trip I never got back on our boat again and insisted it be sold.
6. Disappointing my father by not being the kind of son he wanted and never having a close relationship with him. We have never really talked. He is now losing his faculties as Alzheimer’s sets in.
7. Having thousands of dollars stolen from me. See Expats In Jakarta Hati-Hati.
8. Having problems with legal guardianship, getting a passport or any secure future for Oliver, my son.

It’s quite reassuring when looking at the first list to discover there are only a few items. This list is much longer. Here we go!

1. Being French-kissed by a man in front of a crowd in a restaurant and them applauding.
2. Holding a three-day old baby and knowing I would do anything for this child. His mother didn’t want him. I vowed to raise him and give him a wonderful life.
3. Swimming naked at The Gorge swimming pool at night with a lover.
4. Spending 3 weeks on an isolated Greek Island, Lipsi and having yoghurt and honey for breakfast, riding a motorbike to the beach and sunbaking all day.
5. Painting & drawing.
6. Being stoned at a staff dinner and the school principal not knowing and actually saying out loud, “Is Stephen ok?” I was taking pictures of myself with a camera and may have been overly interested in firing the flash into my face.
7. Turning 33 in Paris.
8. Driving a yellow Renault Virage. It was a station wagon and so cool to drive. I used to drive 400 kilometres every weekend as I taught on the east coast of Tasmania for a while but my house was in Launceston.
9. Robert and Oscar – two amazing friends. They’re separated now but I remember so many great evenings at their tiny cottage in the country where we’d eat, talk, listen to music, swap books, get drunk and dance. I never had sex with them – but always thought about it.
10. Playing the flute while Oscar played the piano.
11. Spending a weekend on Flinders Island with Michael, Oscar & Robert.
12. Flying from Melbourne to London by myself when I was very young.
13. Spending three months in Frankfurt with my father’s twin brother. He is gay, I am sure but has never come out. He had male friends visit but no one ever stayed. One, an English guy called Keith came and took me for a spin around Frankfurt in a blue Alfa-Romeo sports car. Stupid thing is I didn’t realise I was gay back then either! If I had I probably would never have left Frankfurt and married an Englishman with a blue sports car.
14. Skiing in Falls Creek, Victoria Australia.
15. Leaving Tasmania to work in Indonesia. Thank you Peter King. You gave me the job here and my life has been this incredible roller coaster ever since.
16. Buying my first house and renovating it. It was small and it was cheap and I did all the painting. I sold it a few years ago and made quite a profit.
17. Four years at university. I loved every minute of being a student. I worked hard and played even harder.
18. Phillip – husband number one. He was an anaesthetist and one night dragged me to the operating theatre with him. I was ‘a medical student’ – it was incredible I observed three operations.
19. Carlton. Long story that one. Deserves it’s own entry.
20. Travelling lots since I have lived in Indonesia. China, India, Brunei, Malaysia, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea.
21. Smoking a joint while driving and not actually being killed in an accident.
22. Clive, my friend from year 11 and 12. I fell in love with him. He didn’t ever know this. He lived on a farm. I would stay at his house sometimes and sleep in his room and lay there trying to work up the courage to sneak over and get into bed with him. But I never did.
23. Dancing at Heaven.
24. My first taste of wine at my Auntie Dot’s house when I was fourteen.
25. Getting high with Kevin and us both drawing and painting while stoned. He was the art teacher at St Helens where I was teaching and I had a little affair with him while I was married to Michael.
26. Living with Regina at Falmouth, on Tasmania’s east coast in a house with no curtains overlooking the sea.
27. Swapping clothes with my friend Kaye at a staff dinner and her boyfriend saying the dress looked better on me than her.
28. Hosting a cocktail party with Rachel. What a woman! She was my dearest friend while I was at St Helens teaching. We’ve lost touch now too.
29. My cousin, Craig. I fell in love with him too. We went camping at Lake St Clair. It was so cold we ended up sleeping in one sleeping bag and I had an erection all night. How naïve and timid you can be when young. Given the same situation now and I wouldn’t just lay there all night thinking about doing it with him.
30. Buying a Bose stereo in Singapore and putting it in a suitcase to bring back to Indonesia.
31. One night stands. Many, one-night stands. I have only once, not gone to bed with someone I’d met casually. That’s pretty amazing considering. He had awful teeth!
32. Having an exhibition of photographs at a prominent Launceston gallery and them all selling.
33. Having an exhibition of paintings at another prominent Launceston gallery many years later and most of them selling.
34. Getting drunk at dinner parties with Craig & Denis. They were great friends and we did all this stuff together as two couples. When Michael died and I came to Indonesia we drifted apart and now I don’t see them.
35. Working with Shireen, Terry, Amanda and all the people who were at Waverley Primary School. Tough kids to teach because there were so many social problems but the staff were all good friends and would go out for dinner and party on often because we all got on really well and it was genuine.
36. Vicki Mackrill. One of the few women I would jump on now.
37. My Mum. I think mums are really the only ones that will ever love you unconditionally.
38. Having sex on the bonnet of my Saab. After Michael died I bought this beautiful gold Saab with leather seats a CD player and sunroof because he was so frugal with money. We’d talked about buying one but never did.

God this list could go on forever. Each day I will think of more things to add to it and try not to add them. As I thought - I have lived. But there’s so much more to come too. The one thing I think I have learnt from all of this and want to emphasize is something that comes from one of Somerset Maugham’s novels – Of Human Bondage I think, and it talks about your life experiences being a painting. What sort of canvas will you leave?