Farts

I started teaching in 1985. That means I have been doing the same job for 21 years. In that time I have had the chance to make many observations about kids. Suddenly it hit me today that there are two things as a teacher that drive me to the point where I could change from the caring, supportive self esteem developing, nurturing, pedagogically knowledgeable and consistent teacher, to an axe wielding psychopath. Farts. Just think about it for a moment. I have been confined to smelly classrooms on average for 5 hours per day for 200 plus days a year for 21 years. How many farts is that? Bloody lots. My current class of 12 students contains a phantom farter. To make matters worse it’s not actually a phantom farter because when it happens and this person’s pungent gassy bum attacks our olfactory nerves, several students say her name. Yes HER! So as a teacher that’s pet hate number one – having to endure farts. In all honesty, all you want to say is, ”Get out you dirty fucking pig if you want to do that.” But you can’t. Today at my school an obscenely disgusting smell pervaded the classroom and instantly several students covered their faces with their shirts and uttered the usual offenders name. She wasn’t even in the classroom. I stated in my teacher/diplomat manner, that in future could that person please be considerate and leave the room before the gassy event. I meanwhile was choking with the intensity of the smell. Later on I discovered that the septic tanks in the school were being emptied and cleaned! No person could smell that bad. I will have to face my class tomorrow and tell them that it wasn’t what we thought – that someone had carelessly farted. The other thing that drives me nuts in a classroom is kids refusing to say do as they are asked. I feel like picking them up by the scruff of the neck sometimes and shaking them and saying, "God, just do it! Your life will be easier.” But they come up with all these little games and ploys. They don’t actually always say, NO. Some do. Funny thing is. I enjoy the kids who have the balls to challenge me. I don’t want to be their friend. I have a job to do. I am going to do it whether they like it or not. But I have tremendous respect for, and like the kids who challenge you. They will be the ones who become interesting people. Maybe they’ll end up in trouble or on the streets but they will never be boring.