Lycra

I removed this blog a few weeks ago and have not blogged since. My friend and colleague whom I have a great deal of respect for, warned me that such explicit entires could be dangerous to my career. I have thought much about this and decided that I will not buckle to such an invasion of my right to say what I like. The internet has become this huge phenomenon of free speech and my removing this blog is contrary to what I believe about it as an uncensored forum and my right to be a totally open gay man. So it goes back up.
Three times now I have been in Lombok and explored what I thought was a growing passion for a very, very beautiful man of Balinese extraction. Yes cliché or not, but he is the classic in my opinion of, tall, dark and stunningly handsome. But after three meetings there are serious misgivings on my behalf about some of the things he says and does. As well as the fact that I know I will not fall in love with him. There seemed to be some chemical attraction at the start and I thought I was in big trouble, but thank goodness this time my head is stronger than my heart and I am taking notice of what it tells me. There are some quite strange aspects about his behaviour, which have set alarm bells ringing. He insists on wearing these strange lycra type underpants similar to a swim suit but in a boxer style and he has another cotton pair inside. I find this very strange. After making love he always puts them back on. One night while I was sleeping I remember waking up and found that he was naked. He scurries of to the bathroom to put a condom on before the act. Once when I sleepily said I was too tired he calmly but sweetly replied, “You just sleep,” while starting to insert him-self into my back passage. Not the hallmark of a sensitive caring person somehow. And I would of slept through it anyway. (See the end of this entry). He has started telling me he loves me too even though he knows about my partner in Jakarta. Other warning signals I have noticed are the night I arrived he was more interested in waiting around to say hello to the owner of the place where I was staying than coming to bed. We hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. He also seems very vain and will make references to how handsome he is. I have actually seen him on the way to the bathroom and he will stop and look at himself in the mirror. Some of things I see him do around Oliver bother me too. He seems a bit too physical with him – like he will kiss him or grab him and even though Oliver appears to really like him I don’t think he wants him to do these things. I am convinced he is a bit of a control freak like so many others I have known. He knew I had a partner before I met him or quite soon after but now has declared his love for me by saying the dreaded three words. Little emotional games have started. Like when I was in Jakarta with my partner he would send me messages saying things like: “I hope you are Ade are having a nice time. Why didn’t you answer my call?” Just after I arrived in Jakarta he got upset and sent me a message to say he didn’t want to ever see me again. Then later he changed his mind. And to cut a long story short or small would be the operative word – it’s so sad that he doesn’t measure up with one physical attribute. He is tall, beautiful and charming but has a diminutive penis. I didn’t think it would ever matter to me but given all the other things about him it does. So size does matter.