Suicide

Since the morning I discovered my lover of fifteen plus years swinging from the rafters in our garage by his neck as dead as is possible, my life has changed forever. I no longer am obsessed with the future. I am no longer a planner or plotter. I live day by day as much as is possible. My life is here and now. What’s for dinner and will my finicky six year old son eat the food tonight is as far as I get into the future, in a serious way, these days. I find it hard to think about what will happen in three months time and what plans I need to make. Some of my colleagues are incredulous when I state quite triumphantly that I have no idea what I am doing on my next break. They have already made travel arrangements sometimes twelve months in advance. The state of asking: where is the next meal coming from? – almost describes where my life is at, at the moment. It’s a nice existence actually. It is based on the fact that you only get one life and you should just exist in the moment. I am here right now and the present is all that matters – or maybe a few hours into the future or at the very most a few days. I know that one day I won’t exist and that what is now body will become broken down into a more simple form. Maybe similar to that from which I originally came. I have no grandiose ideas that I will arise phoenix like into the stratosphere and exist in sublime peace and harmony with a benevolent saviour or sojourn southwards into eternal damnation. I will rot and dissolve and all the cells that now make me will disperse. The only thing left of me, and only for a short while will be the memory of me within those people who actually knew me or if I leave something behind for more than a handful of people to remember. When the people who knew me die even any reference to me will be gone. That is unless I achieve some sort of fame or notoriety. Dying doesn’t bother me. I am not ready to go yet though. I am here now. I am now and I need to make the most of my time here because when it all adds up in the scheme of six and a half billion people - I am but a speck of crap on the wall and what I do doesn’t really matter a fuck. So I will continue living for the day and satisfying my desires and experiencing life to the full as much as my present circumstances will allow.